I remember the pastor in a small town who had somewhat of an unusual habit of keeping all of the hate mail he received. When he was asked about it, his response was quite interesting to me. He gave me the old adage, “If one man calls you donkey, ignore him. If two men call you a donkey, start looking for hoof-prints.” For him, no matter how outrageous the (generally anonymous) hate mail was, it all went into the same drawer. He read it to reflect on what he needed to change. Sometimes, it helped remind him to be humble, and other times, it reminded him that person who wrote the letter needed prayer.

One time when the pastor was out of the office, he kindly asked his wife to get something from his desk. She accidentally stumbled upon the file. Perhaps, you think he was foolish for not putting them in file 13 from the beginning. The consequences are much as you imagine. I remember thinking that keeping that mail was like mixing sharp knives in the sink with the rest of the dishes. The scars will remain from the spiritual cuts inflicted by that correspondence for life. Before we place blame and argue about who was at fault for these injuries, let’s consider that there is a better way to share our concerns with one another as Christians.

Christians are NOT always going to agree. This is perhaps one of the most obviously true and most frequently denied aspects of our relationships in the church. Disagreement can be the result of God calling people to different ministries every bit as often as the disagreements can be the result of sin. However, if people are not willing to acknowledge that truth, they will find a fault and assign guilt, which will create division where God wants expansion. We see this play out in the book of Acts.

The growth of the church, in the early chapters of Acts, leads to a problem of neglect. There were widows being overlooked. Thus, in Acts 6, we see the Apostles choosing men to “wait tables,” so that they would be able to give attention to “prayer and the ministry of the word.” Do we think that everyone agreed with that decision? What if you were used to having Peter or John attend to your family and now it was Nicanor or Timon? Not only are we resistant to change, but when churches grow and responsibilities shift, it is not uncommon for the members to feel as if they are not as loved or important as when the senior pastor isn’t the one who shows up at the hospital for their surgery. It’s not a case of further neglect, it is a proper response to their calling.

The Apostle Paul had one of the most famous ministry disputes in all of Scripture and it seemingly could not have come at a more inopportune time in the text. Acts 15 is where we read about the Council of Jerusalem where the Gentiles inclusion to the church is confirmed. The decision of the counsel is a confirmation of Pentecost and the unification of all nations in Christ. The chapter ends, but not with a celebration of unity around a campfire with the gentle refrain of “Kumbaya” hanging sweetly in the air. Instead, the chapter ends with Paul and Barnabas arguing over taking John Mark on the next leg of their journey. Even so, we learn later that “sharp disagreement” led to twice as many missionary teams heading out, and Paul later asking for Mark to come join him because he was “helpful to (Paul) in ministry.” (2 Timothy 4:11)

At this point, the obvious objection would be, “What about disputes on Doctrine?” Of course those are a different matter. However, a person won’t have to be in ministry long to find accusations of a false doctrine to be used as a smokescreen for imposing someone’s will on a leader. The difference between division and expansion in the midst of a disagreement will be determined by both parties’ individual submission to God’s direction for themselves. In this way, a disagreement won’t be a test of wills being imposed on the other person, rather a submission to God’s will on each individual or faction.

The work of the Holy Spirit and the gifts God gives His people will lead different ministry directions. Those directions may lead workers apart in this life while we draw closer to God. The key is knowing that as God draws a worker closer to Himself as they follow His calling, it doesn’t mean that fellow-workers in the kingdom are further away from God. The situation with Paul and John Mark illustrates that perfectly.

So how should people approach disagreements with leaders? How can a person approach the pastor of a church with a concern without tearing him or the church apart? Jesus gives a pattern for confronting sin and can keep people from actually committing sin in dealing with church conflict. The pattern fits what is seen in Acts 15 and Galatians 2. When we apply the confrontation of sin pattern to deal with conflict in church, it yields three steps, which will bring unity in the body and expansion to the kingdom.

Step 1

Bring the complaints face to face, one on one. If the concern matters and the person who needs confronting matters (they do!), they deserve to hear the complaint directly. Paul modeled this behavior when he saw Peter not eating with Gentiles (Galatians 2:11). Make it the policy of the church that all disputes must have first been brought directly. If a complaint is brought to light without first going through this step, it will only cause damage to the church.

Step 2

Bring it to another leader in the church. The key being “leaders,” so that it isn’t just backdoor campaigning through gossip. The testimony of more than one person is necessary to establish the will of God. Jesus reaffirmed that principle even when dealing with His own testimony (John 5:31). So, instead of being led by selfish desires, see if God is leading others in the same direction. Barnabas and John Mark were called one direction, Paul and Silas were called to another. The calling was determined by more than one person and the mission was successful.

Step 3

Submit to the authority of the leaders in that church and join in that ministry or accept that God is calling your ministry in another direction. This is how a person can know that God may be calling them to minister in another place. When Paul left the Jerusalem council, he knew his mission field. Paul’s mission was the same as Peter’s, but his audience, location, and methods weren’t the same (Acts 15:30-35). Paul and Barnabas’ mission was the same, the team and locations were different (Acts 15:41).

The resolution to these conflicts was the growth and strengthening of the church!

Conflict is part of church life, but handled in the Spirit, and the result is expansion. It goes without saying that there is nothing acceptable about anonymous correspondence filled with hateful or derogatory language and there is nothing about it worth keeping around either. So instead of entertaining the divisive elements in the church, it is time to set a pattern, which raises the standard of conflict resolution, which results in kingdom expansion.